Self-Compassion: Changing the Way You Relate to Yourself

Its odd how certain weeks as a therapist, we notice themes arising with multiple clients. There’s been a common theme emerging in many of my therapy sessions lately: the quiet, painful beliefs people carry about themselves.

Beliefs like:

• “I’m too much.”

• “I’m not enough.”

• “I’m inherently bad”

• “I have to hold it all together.”

• “My needs are a burden.”

• “If I slow down, everything will fall apart.”

• “I should be doing better by now.”

Over time, these beliefs can become so familiar that we stop questioning them. They begin to feel less like thoughts and more like truth. The thoughts are automatic.

Often, these patterns make a lot of sense when we look at the environments and experiences that shaped us. Many people learned early on to stay highly aware, independent, self-critical, emotionally guarded, or focused on others in order to feel safe, accepted, or connected. Eventually, the nervous system learns these patterns deeply.

This is part of why anxiety, perfectionism, chronic overwhelm, people-pleasing, and disconnection from ourselves can feel so hard to shift. Even when part of us knows we are no longer in those same situations, another part of us may still be responding from old experiences and survival strategies.

In somatic therapy, we don’t just explore these beliefs intellectually. We also pay attention to how they live in the body and nervous system.

Sometimes they show up as:

• tension in the chest or shoulders

• shallow breathing

• feeling constantly “on”

• difficulty resting

• emotional shutdown or numbness

• a sense of disconnection from yourself

• feeling unsafe slowing down

Our bodies often carry stories long before we have words for them.

One of the most meaningful parts of healing is beginning to relate to ourselves with more compassion instead of constant criticism. Not because painful experiences disappear, but because our relationship with ourselves begins to soften.

Self-compassion is not avoidance, weakness, or “letting yourself off the hook.” In many ways, it’s what finally creates enough safety for real healing and change to happen. I became interested in self-compassion in graduate school, looking at how we can build a baseline of curiosity rather than criticism and relate to ourselves more kindly. (More about my education and background here)

When we begin meeting ourselves with curiosity instead of judgment, the nervous system often responds differently too. We become less consumed by shame and more able to understand what our anxiety, protective patterns, or emotional responses may actually be trying to communicate.

Sometimes self-compassion begins in very small ways.

Not forcing yourself to “think positively,” but simply slowing down enough to notice what’s happening internally without immediately criticizing yourself for it.

This might look like:

• noticing when your inner dialogue becomes harsh or demanding

• pausing to ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”

• placing a hand on your chest and taking a slower breath

• allowing yourself rest without needing to earn it

• speaking to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love

• recognizing that your anxiety or protective patterns developed for understandable reasons

• practicing curiosity toward your reactions instead of shame

Often, people think healing comes through pushing harder, being more disciplined, or finally “getting it together.” But many times, growth begins when the nervous system experiences something different: gentleness, safety, compassion, and support.

These moments may seem small, but over time they can begin to shift the way we relate to ourselves internally — and that can be deeply transformative.

This work is rarely instant. Healing old wounds and shifting long-held beliefs takes time, patience, and support. But over and over, I see how transformative it can be when people begin moving from:

• self-criticism toward self-understanding

• survival toward connection

• fear toward trust

• disconnection toward embodiment

You do not have to force yourself into healing through shame. in fact, i find shame to be a terrible motivator for growth.

Sometimes growth begins with learning how to be gentler with yourself.

If you’re navigating anxiety, trauma, overwhelm, or feeling disconnected from yourself, therapy can offer a space to slow down, reconnect with your body and nervous system, and explore these patterns with support and compassion.

I offer somatic therapy for adults in San Luis Obispo and virtually across California.